By Yetunde Arebi
Little children acting the role of the father and mother is a very common game, especially where you have a couple of them growing up together in same vicinity. The older kids play the role of parents while the younger ones play the role of the children. They all try to re-enact as much as possible, what they observe in their different family settings.
While the ‘father’ goes to work, the ‘mother’ often stays back at home to take care of the house chores as well as prepare meals for the ‘family’. The meal, mainly made of sand is served on pieces of paper for plates and everyone touches the sand to their chins to eat. What happens after this depends on what time of day is being acted out and what kind of environment the play is being staged, secluded or open.
Usually, the house consists of two main rooms. They may be virtual or real, again, depending on the environment. The real rooms are usually divided with the wrappers of someone’s mother as curtains. The ‘children’ sleep on one side of the divide while the ‘parents’ sleep on the other.
Now, what takes place in ‘father’ and ‘mother’s room depend largely on the intelligence, exposure or awareness and smartness of the two actors. Many young people experienced their first kisses and more behind these curtains.
While visiting a dear close friend at her home, a couple of years ago, we were forced to sit on the terrace to gist and play catch up, because the PHCN had decided to do what it knows best to do. Her last child, a four year old boy also had a visitor, a little girl from their compound who had come over to play.
As we discussed, we could hear their voices and laughter from where we were until everything became quiet suddenly. Perhaps acting on instinct or just motherly intuition, my friend asked for permission to go and check on them. Then, I heard her calling out to me frantically to come and see something. I rushed in to find the two children standing just feet apart from each other, both with funny looks on their faces.
“What happened”, I asked my friend. “Can’t you see what is happening here” she said, pointing to the children and winking downwards to the direction she wanted me to look at. I quickly scrutinized the scene and concluded that something bad had been interrupted here. My friend began laughing very hard, pointing to her son’s now extremely shrunken penis and the little girl who clutched on to her knickers in her hand as if her life depended on it.
As my friend kept asking her son what happened and who took off his shorts, he just kept looking straight while pointing his forefinger at the girl. Initially, I did not quite understand what was happening but when it finally clicked, I did not understand why my friend was laughing and praising her four year old son for being such a fast Houdini. I found nothing funny about it.
One major mistake parents of the boy child make is to erroneously believe in the alpha male syndrome. Such parents believe that they have no problems since their boys can never get pregnant from their sexual escapades, neither will they be frowned at or socially stigmatized as loose and bad boys. So when incidents such as this happens, they take a stand-offish posture, leaving the girl and her parents to take the fall, just as my friend was doing.
My Miss-do-good attitude took over and I just had to let my friend see things from another perspective. A little girl already engaging in the “Cowgirl position” with her male friend could not have conjured this all by herself. She must have either seen her parents having sex or someone else had been teaching her these moves secretly.
This meant that she was either being abused or exposed to such by an adult. My second position was that, should an adult be involved in this unfortunate incident, then the poor girl might have been exposed to STDs, including HIV/AIDS. In that case too, her son was also in serious danger, I told my friend. “God forbid”, she cried, “it is not my portion”.
But it can be, I insisted, so it was important that the little girl’s parents be informed so that they could conduct a thorough investigation. If this problem was not seriously addressed, there is no telling what could become of the girl as she grows older. By the time I was done, we were heading to the little girl’s flat. What we uncovered at the end of the day, is a story for another day.
While the girl child may remain the endangered specie all of her lifetime, the boy child will remain the sound board for whatever falls out of any unwholesome alliance between the sexes. And then, the beat goes on. That is why sex education for young people is compulsory, rather than necessary. Both sexes must be well grounded if we intend to do a good job for both society and humanity.
When Lizzy returned from a business trip to Abuja and was informed that her seven year old niece who was spending the holidays with them had been caught under the sheets with her five year old son, she almost whipped him into a pulp. She said, “I can’t remember for how long or how many times I whipped him with the belt as I had lost control of myself.
My house help and younger sister had to hold me and retrieved the belt. As I was whipping him, I was crying at the same time. I was afraid that a little mistake could ruin his life and ultimately ours too. I did not touch my niece at all. I simply called her mother, who is my sister to come and remove her from my house before I killed her. I was alarmed when our mother tried to play the matter off lightly, insisting it was just a game and that most children engage in it.
She insisted it was nothing to be scared about and that I was taking things too seriously”. On investigation, they discovered that a teenage boy in their compound had been abusing her and giving her money, biscuits and sweets for her cooperation. My sister wanted to call in the Police but my mother again prevailed on her, arguing that she will only bring herself to ridicule in the neighbourhood. That was how the matter died, but it was how the issue of anyone spending their holidays in my house also died”, she told me during a conversation.
Sex education that works starts early, before young people reach puberty, and before they have developed established patterns of behaviour. The precise age at which information should be provided depends on the physical, emotional and intellectual development of the young people as well as their level of understanding. What is covered and also how, depends on who is providing the sex education, when they are providing it, and in what context, as well as what the individual young person wants to know or needs to know about.
It is important for sex education to begin at a young age and also that it is sustained. Despite recent increased awareness, many parents still find it difficult or think it is inappropriate to discuss sex with their children. I have seen parents who prevent their children from watching even kissing scenes on the Television rather than take time to explain what it means to them and why they are not to engage in any forms of sexual intimacy with the opposite sex.
We often forget that these children have access to the television and many other media channels when our backs are turned. Giving young people basic information from an early age provides the foundation on which more complex knowledge is built up over time. For example, when they are very young, such as in the case above, children can be informed about how people grow and change over time, and how babies become children and then adults, and this provides the basis on which they understand more detailed information about puberty provided in the pre-teenage years.
They can also when they are young, be provided with information about viruses and germs that attack the body. This provides the basis for talking to them later about infections that can be caught through sexual contact.
Indeed, many are against the teaching of sex education to young people. They are concerned that providing information about sex and sexuality arouses curiosity and can lead to sexual experimentation. However, in a review of 48 studies of comprehensive sex and STD/HIV education programmes in some selected US schools, there was found to be strong evidence that such programmes really did not increase sexual activity. Rather, some of them reduced sexual activity, or increased rates of condom use or other contraceptives, or both. It is important to remember that young people can store up information provided at any time, for a time when they need it later on.
So, when must we start? This is a question often asked by many parents I interact with. Sometimes it can be difficult for adults to know when to raise issues, but the important thing is to maintain an open relationship with children which provides them with opportunities to ask questions when they have them. Parents and caregivers can also be proactive and engage young people in discussions about sex, sexuality and relationships.
Naturally, many parents and their children feel embarrassed to talk about some aspects of sex and sexuality. Viewing sex education as an on-going conversation about values, attitudes and issues as well as providing facts can be helpful. The best basis to proceed is a sound relationship in which a young person feels able to ask a question or raise an issue if they feel they need to.
Research has shown that in counties like The Netherlands, where families regard it as an important responsibility to talk openly with children about sex and sexuality, this contributes to greater cultural openness about sex, sexuality and improved sexual health among young people.
The role of many parents and caregivers as sex educators changes as young people get older and are provided with more opportunities to receive formal sex education through schools and community settings. However, it does not get any less important. Because sex education in school tends to take place in small time-blocks and can’t always address issues relevant to young people at a particular time, parents can therefore fulfill a particularly important role in providing information and opportunities to discuss things as they arise.
Do have a wonderful weekend!!
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